Act Like a Team
Our experts recommend you sit down and tell kids together. Even if only one parent does the talking, it's important to show a united front and that you both emphasize that your love for your kids hasn't changed one bit.
Plan the Discussion
Before you sit down, prep for how you will tell the kids (together), and anticipate how you'll answer some of their difficult questions.
Stick to the Basics
If your marriage is ending, experts recommend telling your kids simple facts. You can explain to them that their parents won't be living together anymore, but both still love their children. Talk calmly and try to keep an anger-free tone of voice.
Don't Blame
Regardless of what happened and why, simplicity is important when first breaking the news -- even if it's not the whole truth. Avoid giving your children sordid details about the reason for a split, like infidelity, mental health problems or alcohol or drug abuse. Parents should choose their words carefully and use neutral, blame-free language, both experts say.
Because children see themselves as an extension of their parents, blaming one parent is also a put-down to the child, says Thomas. "Your mom and I have decided that we don't love each other the same as we did when you were born and now we're going to live in separate homes," she suggests saying.
"The key is to focus on the change that's going on," Ludwig says. "The important thing to underscore is that it's not the child's fault, a transition is happening and that their emotional needs will be focused on. Their safety and happiness and the fact they feel loved is a priority."
If your kids ask why, Thomas says parents can add: "Sometimes adults become unhappy with how they're living their lives and decide they want to live a different way."
Be Age Appropriate
A 6-year-old is likely to accept your explanation without asking for a detailed reason, Thomas says.
If a 10-to-12-year-old asks why, Thomas suggests providing a true, but non-blaming reason. If a mother found another partner, she could say: "'I have to move on and do different things with my life'," she recommends. "It's not necessary to be so blunt as to say: 'I've found another person'."
Teenagers may have figured out the reason for a split or asked for an explanation. Older kids can handle the sometimes-ugly truth, but parents should still take care to "avoid exaggerating the negative aspects of how a spouse has behaved," Thomas says.
Say It's Okay to be Sad
Parents should let kids know they're there to answer questions, and that it's all right if they're feeling blue. Tell kids: "'We're all feeling sad about this transition, but sometimes difficult decisions need to be made in order to do what's best for family life,'" Ludwig says.
Focus on What Stays the Same
No matter how old the child is, reinforce how things will be staying normal. A child who is 10 or 11 can understand an explanation like "we're not going to be married, but we're still your parents and we love you," says Thomas.